Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Time to Laugh: Quarantine Day 32

Monday, May 4, 2020



The internet is a wonderful source of humor in this difficult time. I cheer myself up reading accounts of the 1918 flu pandemic and plague stories.

But here's something different for you... especially the crafters and makers among you.



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Time to Laugh: Alternative meanings

Thursday, April 30, 2020

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. 

The winners are:
  1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk
  5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent.
  6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
  7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence (N.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash (N.), a rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle (N.), a humorous question on an exam.
  12. Rectitude (N.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  13. Pokemon (N), a Rastafarian proctologist.
  14. Oyster (N.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  15. Frisbeetarianism (N.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
  1. Bozone (N.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  2. Foreploy (V): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  3. Cashtration (N.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
  4. Giraffiti (N): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  5. Sarchasm (N): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  6. Inoculatte (V): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  7. Hipatitis (N): Terminal coolness.
  8. Osteopornosis (N): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  9. Karmageddon (N): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
  10. Decafalon (N.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  11. Glibido (V): All talk and no action.
  12. Dopeler effect (N): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  13. Arachnoleptic fit (N.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
  14. Beelzebug (N.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  15. Caterpallor (N.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (N): A person who's both stupid and an asshole



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Time to laugh: church sign

Tuesday, April 28, 2020



From the Peace Lutheran Church of Manitoba, Canada



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Humor: You know you're from Puget Sound...

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

Mount Rainier from Shorecrest
See #20
Photo by Jerry Pickard


You know you're from Puget Sound, when:

  1. You know the Vitamin D deficiency struggle is real.
  2. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Sammamish, Enumclaw and Issaquah.
  3. You avoid driving through Seattle at all costs.
  4. You know what a geoduck is.
  5. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
  6. You see a person carrying an umbrella and instantly think tourist.
  7. Your lawn is mostly moss and you don't really care.
  8. Honking your car horn is for absolute emergencies.
  9. You're EXTREMELY picky about your coffee.
  10. “The mountain is out today," isn't a strange statement.
  11. While out of state you just tell people you're from Seattle since that's the only city in Washington according to the rest of the world.
  12. You remember Almost Live.
  13. You've eaten in the Space Needle, and while it was delicious, you're never paying $50 for a meal in the sky again.
  14. You rarely wash your car because it's just going to get washed by the rain tomorrow.
  15. You're used to the phrase "No, not DC" when telling out of staters where you're from.
  16. North Face is always in fashion.
  17. You take a warm coat and a hat with you for a day at the beach.
  18. You have mastered the art of doing everything in the rain, because, well, Washington.
  19. You play the "no you go" at four-way stops.
  20. You have had both the thought of how beautiful Mount Rainier is, while simultaneously accepting that it will probably kill you someday.
  21. You get a little twitchy if it's been more than a week since it last rained.
  22. You believe Twilight ruined Forks.
  23. You can say Humptulips, Lilliwaup, Dosewallips, and Pysht without giggling.
  24. You know what Beast Mode is and that deflating footballs is not ok.


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Improv Happy Hour Friday at 7pm

Friday, April 17, 2020



Improv Happy Hour
Improv Experiments 4/17 7:00pm

This Friday at 7pm Unexpected Productions presents an Improv Happy Hour. This is a wildly unpredictable hour were we strive to translate classic improv games online and create new ones. It has never been seen before and will never be seen again. This week's theme: couples.

Fortunately, we at UP have improvisers who are couples or roommates who live together. Each couple performs a scene, or game from a suggestion and give you a glimpse into domestic life around Seattle as it may be happening for real, or in the minds of the improvisers as we all social distance.

Free and open to all! 4/17 7pm

NOTE: This is LIVE event on UP’s Facebook page Go to videos and click the Live event streaming



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Time to Laugh: It's confirmed: Fresh cow dung can stop coronavirus

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Photo by Screenroad on Unsplash

This is a proven method to stop the spread of Coronavirus. It may be an issue finding cow dung but we shouldn't have to drive too far to find a dairy farm or two.

Fresh cow dung can stop coronavirus

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that:

  1. you will not touch your eyes, nose, ears, or mouth
  2. no one will shake hands with you
  3. no one will come near you when you are out in the streets
  4. you will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat


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Time to laugh: Dog Haiku

Saturday, April 11, 2020

Photo by Daniel Sandoval on Unsplash


Dog Haiku
Author Unknown

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Meter reader-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do

The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,
But they are far more -I call
Them a vocation

My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.



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Time to laugh: At home alone

Thursday, April 9, 2020

Photo by 𝕷𝖚𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖊 on Unsplash

AT HOME ALONE

  • Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
  • I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
  • I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
  • Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
  • PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
  • Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
  • I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
  • This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
  • So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
  • Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
  • My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
  • Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
  • I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
  • I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
  • Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
  • Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
  • Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under!




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Time for a laugh: Everyone already has your data

Sunday, April 5, 2020

Photo by Jason Sung on Unsplash
Used to be ordering a pizza just meant a challenge to get the right toppings, right crust, and no onions. It's a brave new world.


CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetables!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...


-Thanks to Marc W for sending this in




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Time to laugh:The 50 greatest Yogi Berra quotes

Thursday, April 2, 2020

Yogi Berra inspired the character Yogi Bear
Yogi Berra was a Hall of Fame baseball player for the New York Yankees, who was famous for his playing and coaching and infamous for the things that fell out of his mouth.

Here's a list of the top 50 sent in by reader Colleen Weum.

Not surprisingly, he was the inspiration for the cartoon character Yogi Bear.

The 50 greatest Yogi Berra quotes

  1. When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
  2. You can observe a lot by just watching.
  3. It ain’t over till it’s over.
  4. It’s like déjà vu all over again.
  5. No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.
  6. Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical.
  7. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
  8. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
  9. We made too many wrong mistakes.
  10. Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.
  11. You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.
  12. You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.
  13. I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.
  14. Never answer an anonymous letter.
  15. Slump? I ain’t in no slump… I just ain’t hitting.
  16. How can you think and hit at the same time?
  17. The future ain’t what it used to be.
  18. I tell the kids, somebody’s gotta win, somebody’s gotta lose. Just don’t fight about it. Just try to get better.
  19. It gets late early out here.
  20. If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.
  21. We have deep depth.
  22. Pair up in threes.
  23. Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.
  24. You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.
  25. All pitchers are liars or crybabies.
  26. Even Napoleon had his Watergate.
  27. Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
  28. He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.
  29. It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.
  30. I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won twenty-five games. What I don’t understand is how he lost five.
  31. I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.
  32. I’m a lucky guy and I’m happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.
  33. I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
  34. In baseball, you don’t know nothing.
  35. I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?
  36. I never said most of the things I said.
  37. It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.
  38. If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.
  39. I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I’d never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field.
  40. So I’m ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face.
  41. Take it with a grin of salt.
  42. (On the 1973 Mets) We were overwhelming underdogs.
  43. The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
  44. Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.
  45. Mickey Mantle was a very good golfer, but we weren’t allowed to play golf during the season; only at spring training.
  46. You don’t have to swing hard to hit a home run. If you got the timing, it’ll go.
  47. I’m lucky. Usually you’re dead to get your own museum, but I’m still alive to see mine.
  48. If I didn’t make it in baseball, I won’t have made it workin’. I didn’t like to work.
  49. If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.
  50. A lot of guys go, ‘Hey, Yog, say a Yogi-ism.’ I tell ’em, ‘I don’t know any.’ They want me to make one up. I don’t make ’em up. I don’t even know when I say it. They’re the truth. And it is the truth. I don’t know.



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